The worst thing about me is that I push people away when I’m in pain. I push them away when I need them the most. I push them away until I can’t take it anymore—until I burst and that’s just when I let them in. I don’t know why I’m like this. Maybe because I don’t want to burden them with my problems especially when I know that they have their own dilemmas to think about. I want to show them that nothing’s wrong, I’m happy, contented, and that if ever I have problems I can solve them on my own. I’m the type of girl that keeps her problems all by herself, ‘til that day comes that she couldn’t take it anymore, and she doesn’t have any choice left but to tell someone about it. I’m weird. I have unresolved issues and I don’t even know how to fix them. I’m trying, I’m taking baby steps. I know in the end it will all be worth it.
I think I need sometime alone. No internet, No phone, No people around me. I think I need sometime for myself. I need to think.
I don’t know if I can do it, but I’ll try. I could live a day without the internet, but I don’t know if I can live a day without my phone. Hmm. I’m not gonna tell you I’m planning on doing this, hahaha. I just feel like spending a day alone and not talking to you. I don’t know. Space?
I guess there are certain things which mom and I don’t agree with. Simple things. Just simple things, which usually turn into fights, potentially hating each other and probably cursing each other deep inside. No matter what I do, or how much I try to be good and optimistic about everything, there will always be that ONE THING that could ruin her mood and make it seem like what I said was wrong. Maybe mom and I just have different views on certain things. Like, how I think there was nothing wrong with what I said, and of course, being so “sensitive”, she would go on telling me how “suplada” I am with what I said, to think I said those words without meaning to piss her off. Why would I piss her off? Okay, maybe I’m really the “suplada” type, but that’s how I am and I still believe that there’s nothing wrong with what I said. She’s just being so sensitive. I hate how she acts as if she doesn’t even know me. As if almost 20 years of being my mom isn’t enough for her to understand how I really am.
Ever since my summer vacation started, sleeping at 4 am became a habit. I could actually stay up longer, but because I’m a heavy sleeper and I actually hate waking up at around 12 pm-1 pm in the afternoon, I force myself to sleep at 4 am. So you might be asking what keeps me up til 4 am. Haha. Umm, trust me, you don’t wanna know. Hahaha no, actually, I think I’m pretty much just like you guys out there, who doesn’t have anything worthwhile as a hobby. I just watch movie to kill time, blog, tweet, and..yeah. Play Sims 3, just like the old times. Oh, I also read books and sometimes download stuff from the internet like ebooks, songs, and all that. OH, and..of course. What really keeps me up ‘til 4 am is…okay. Scratch that. It’s a WHO, not a WHAT. You know what I mean. My body clock kinda changed because of him. I don’t really mind. I feel really bad everytime I don’t get to say good night and sleep in the middle of a really nice conversation. So, to make it up to him..I decided to wait til he feels sleepy. HAHAHA okay, Enough of that shit. I don’t really know why it took me this ^ amount of words as an “introduction”. Yes, it’s just an introduction. Maybe I really have a lot going on inside my head right now and I couldn’t help but type even the most irrelevant detail there is to type.
Soo, the MAIN POINT of this blog entry was about my nightmare. So I slept at 4 am earlier, then I woke up at around 5:50 ‘cause I forced myself to wake up and get away from that nightmare. So my nightmare was sort of a horror movie actually. So, my dream all happened inside my house, and I was with my mom and brother. It was night time, and it was raining outside I think, plus most of the lights were off since it’s night time so it was really scary. Then we noticed that every hour, we receive text messages saying that one of our relatives were dead. Then we were really scared and we were panicking and crying. Then it came to a point when all of our relatives/family were dead, except one. It was dad. So we were kinda worried and we prayed real hard and then it happened, we got a text message saying that dad met an accident, then we got another text message, saying that my boy was dead and I didn’t know what to do I kept on crying and I convinced myself that it was all just a dream and I should wake up. I kept on telling myself that and finally, I WOKE UP. Thank God, it was all just a dream. I woke up in tears, and I couldn’t help but sob a bit more when I realized how bad my nightmare was. So I prayed hard, asking Him not to let something like that to happen in real life. I also texted him, I told him I had a nightmare and to take care of himself always. I forced myself to sleep after crying, but I guess I slept after 30 mins of just staring up at the ceiling, pondering on all the things that “happened”. If there’s one thing that I realized about my nightmare, it’s that I should cherish every moment I spend with my loved ones, ‘cause I would never know when He would decide to take their lives away.
To some people, pride is the most important thing they could ever have, which explains why they would do everything for it not to be tainted. They would do everything, even the things that they would not normally do. They would do it just to protect themselves. Just to show to the people that they are strong enough to carry on with what’s happening in their lives. Pride can either make or break us, depending on the situation. It could make us appear strong and unaffected with whatever dilemma we are into, even if we are actually as affected as anybody in the same situation is.
The downside of having too much pride is that we are somehow setting a huge boundary between what we really want, and what we want society to think we want. Obviously, a person with too much pride would go with what society wants them to be like. The person will end up feeling empty, feeling as if there is something missing deep inside them. This is because they didn’t go after what they really want, taking into consideration all the things that the people might think of them if they would go after what their heart desires. The thing is, we should never let others affect our decisions. We have our own minds, and we are given such so that we could use them. We should listen to our hearts’ desires, and not be afraid to take risks. For it is only in taking risks that we get to achieve what we really want.
Lowering their pride would mean a lot to some people, and to them it could be a sign of weakness and that’s what they would never want the people to see in them. The truth is, lowering your pride, taking the risk, and going after what you really love is a sign of bravery, since doing these things would mean that you would do everything to get what your heart truly desires, even if it would mean having to sacrifice a lot for going after what you really want.
I hate how we keep on talking about how she moved on and how it’s not even true and shit why do we even talk about it anyway? Okay okay it’s all about your pride, you’re hurt and I have to understand. I have to. Like, all the time. I fire up a li’l bit deep inside whenever I hear her name, actually. Just a little. But we have to talk about you and shit. I mean, why do we have to talk about you? It’s not like we could do anything about it ‘cause it’s part of the past now, right? Why. Hahahaha. K. Bye.
Fck all my insecurities. Why does it all have to be about my insecurities? I hate myself for being so paranoid. Sometimes no matter how hard people compliment me, I just don’t think I’m good enough. I always think people would leave me eventually. Why. :(
Forgive me for being so emo. Blame my hormones. It’s that time of the month again. I’ve been in pain for almost the entire day!!
Just watched P.S. I Love You! Crying loads right now, mostly because of this movie and partly because of dysmenorrhea. Can’t even get out of bed. I slept for three hours after lunch to ease the pain but nothing happened. Meds didn’t even work. I have to get well so I could go out tomorrow :( Wish me luck!
Finally cleaned my desktop and changed my wallpaper! Yay! <3
Watched this awhile ago! Haven’t read the book though. I planned to buy the book a couple of months back but I keep on forgetting. Hmm.
I just watched The Lakehouse! This movie is really nice and I loved it. Movies like this one really gets me. Watching this was like my break from all the mind-boggling films I’ve been watching lately. Haha! Before this, I watched Donnie Darko, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Fight Club. Right now, I’m thinking of going to bed but I don’t feel sleepy just yet. Maybe I should watch another movie. Hmmm.
‘Cause I did not know what to do with my life..
HAHAHA no, I just got bored so I clicked webcam toy and voila! This happened. Maybe it’s time to hit the books. I miss the feeling of getting so attached to the characters of the book I’m reading, to the point that I end up crying (sometimes) when I finish the book. Call me OA or weird, I really wouldn’t mind. Hahaha.
Hello, I miss you. Text messages and phone calls would suffice but it’s not enough. Oh well. See you soon <3
Oh, btw. Mom texted me awhile ago saying that my cousin’s finally a daddy-o! Hihi. Gonna ba a tita! Haha. Congrats! I loooove babies! <3
- Learn to balance everything. I should have enough time for studying, family, friends and him without sacrificing each.
- Improve how I look! It’s not that I look horrible or something. Maybe I should just learn to change something with the way I present myself. Maybe I should change my hairstyle and hair color. Plus, I should get rid of my blemishes.
- Have a positive attitude again! I should get rid of all the things that make me think negatively and start seeing life the way I see it before. I used to be optimistic I just don’t know what happened.
- Pray harder. I know this year will be tough. I have to adjust my body again because of the schedule, plus I know this year will be more difficult because of the major subjects. We now have 3 majors per sem! I can do this!
- Start fresh. I should let go of all the bad things that happened last sem! I should start by being more studious and active in class discussions.
- Learn to budget. I should never get broke. This is probably the first summer in 2912874387 years that I’m broke. I really know how to save before, it’s just that last school year, I spent a lot. I didn’t even realize that I would run out of money eventually.
- Always keep an eye on my goal. When things get rough, I should always keep in mind what I want to achieve in the future. I have to graduate from college, get into law school, pass the bar exam and become a lawyer!
SO I know it’s summer and I still have about 2 months before I go to school again, but…I don’t know I just felt like posting this. Haha!
